Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
