So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
