No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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