It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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