I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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