Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
