is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Congratulations! We have a period
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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