I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
