He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
