from now on my penis is your penis
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
