this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
