I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
