Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just cut my nipple shaving
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
