There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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