I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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