she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
