I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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