just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
