pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
