How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
