She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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