i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
