I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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