the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
