you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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