i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize