Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i used baking grease as lip gloss
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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