i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize