Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
