So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
