we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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