Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
