Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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