Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
