If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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