Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Someone signed my nipple.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize