Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize