I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
