If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
