new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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