I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
