im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize