I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
