Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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