i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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