I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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