just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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