sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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