Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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