I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
