Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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