if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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