I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
