Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
