actually, I'm a sock model
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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