Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
