he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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