I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
