haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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